What truly keeps us healthy and happy throughout life? If you could invest your time and energy in building your best future self, where would you focus?
A recent survey of millennials revealed that over 80% see getting rich as a top life goal, while around 50% aim for fame. Society encourages us to work harder, push further, and chase success, making it seem like wealth and recognition are the keys to a good life.
But what if the real secret to happiness and health lies elsewhere? Most of what we know about life comes from people recalling their past, and memory can be unreliable. Imagine if we could watch entire lives unfold over decades to discover what truly makes people thrive. That’s exactly what the Harvard Study of Adult Development has done. This remarkable 75-year study has followed 724 men from their teenage years into old age, tracking their work, family, health, and happiness without knowing how their stories would end.
Long-term studies like this are incredibly rare. Many fall apart due to lost funding, participants dropping out, or researchers moving on. Yet, through dedication and a bit of luck, this study has endured. Today, about 60 of the original participants are still involved, now in their 90s. The research has even expanded to include their children. Since 1938, two groups of men have been followed: Harvard sophomores who graduated during World War II and a group of boys from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods. These men came from very different backgrounds – some lived in tough conditions without basic amenities – but their lives took varied paths, from factory workers to doctors, even a President.
Every two years, the study team checks in, asking detailed questions and conducting interviews in participants’ homes. They collect medical records, scan brains, and talk to family members. A decade ago, the study even began including the wives of participants, many of whom welcomed the chance to share their stories.
So, what have we learned from decades of detailed life tracking? The biggest lesson is simple: good relationships make us happier and healthier. Here’s what stands out:
First, social connections matter. People with strong ties to family, friends, and community live longer, feel healthier, and experience more happiness. Loneliness, by contrast, is harmful – it speeds up health decline, affects brain function, and shortens lives. Sadly, over 20% of Americans report feeling lonely at any time, even when surrounded by others.
Second, it’s not about how many friends you have or even whether you’re in a relationship – it’s about the quality of those connections. High-conflict relationships, especially marriages filled with tension and little affection, can harm health more than being single or divorced. On the flip side, warm and supportive relationships protect our well-being. At age 50, the men who were happiest in their relationships tended to be the healthiest at age 80. Good relationships help shield us from the challenges that come with aging. Happily partnered older adults reported feeling emotionally steady even when experiencing physical pain, while those in unhappy relationships felt their pain more deeply.
Third, strong relationships protect our brains. Older adults in securely attached relationships tend to keep their memories sharper for longer. Even couples who bicker frequently can maintain good cognitive health if they trust they can rely on each other during tough times.
This timeless truth – that close, loving relationships boost health and happiness—isn’t new, but it’s often overlooked. Why? Because relationships are messy, complicated, and require ongoing effort. There’s no quick fix. The happiest retirees in the study were those who actively built new social connections after leaving work.
Like many millennials who start out chasing fame and fortune, the men in this study initially believed success would bring happiness. But the research tells a different story: leaning into relationships with family, friends, and community is what truly matters.
So, what does leaning into relationships look like for you – whether you’re 25, 40, or 60? It might mean swapping screen time for quality time with loved ones. It could be reigniting a stale relationship with a new shared activity like long walks or date nights. Or reaching out to a family member you haven’t spoken to in years, because holding onto grudges only hurts you.
To wrap this up, here’s a quote from Mark Twain that captures it perfectly: “There isn’t time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that.”
The good life isn’t built on wealth or fame – it’s built on good relationships.
Based on Robert Waldinger’s articles.
